With very slight modifications this is Mad Molly’s original skit script for the 2016 Exponenti’ale morris dance weekend hosted by Tiddley Cove Morris in Vancouver, BC.  Amy created a Mad Lib script, with words to be solicited from the audience.  It wasn’t presented as a Mad Lib due to time constraints, but we had fun with it anyway.

“ALL” means all the squad members speak other than the one being referred to.

“SIGN” means to hold up the “GASP” cue sign so the audience may audibly gasp along with the cast.  Since Dratter says nothing but “Drat”, she’s the best one to handle the sign.

At the start, the cast stands in a line onstage.  A narrator says the skit title, introduces the cast (who then leave), and finishes with the episode, scene and time lines, then exits.

Props:

Road map, manila envelope with a torn piece of fabric in it, cell phone, cue sign “GASP”, multiple scarves for Cravatter, concertina (or whatever instrument your musician plays – adjust script as needed)

Adventures of the (“M” adjective) (“A” adjective or noun) Of (“D” noun) Squad

Starring:  (step forward when introduced)

Mad Platter:  fond of maps

Mad Chatter:  talks a lot

Mad Gnatter:  thinks she’s a superhero gnat

Mad Dratter:  her only word is “Drat!”

Mad Flatter:  major suck-up

Mad Cravatter:  minion

Vlad the Autocratter:  arch-nemesis

Episode  (number)

Scene:  headquarters of M.A.D. located at/in (location)

Time(time)

(Enter Platter with open map.)

Platter:  Another day, another (noun).

Voice offstage:  Incoming mail!

(An envelope slides across the floor to Mad Platter’s feet.) 

Platter:  What’s this?  (Open it.)  Oh no!  It’s a morris hankie torn to ribbons!  This calls for action!  I’d better text the squad.  (Punch buttons, vocalizing “beep boop”, etc.  Hang up.)

(Enter Chatter excited.) 

Chatter:  Mad Chatter reporting for duty, sir!  Sorry I’m late; I’ve been busy (unusual activity), but I came as soon as I received your text.  What’s the trouble?  Where is it?  Who’s in danger?  Where’s the team?  Shall I round them up?  Do these superhero pants make my butt look big?

Platter:  Calm down, Mad Chatter!

(Enter Gnatter.  She buzzes the ears of all who speak.) 

Gnatter:  Got your message, Mad Platter.  What’s up?

Chatter:  Thank goodness you’re here, Mad Gnatter!  It seems we have a crisis on our hands, and not just a crisis, but a mega-(size or nonsense phrase) one at that!  We need everyone here ASAP!

Gnatter:  (interrupting)  Can it, Mad Chatter!

(Enter Flatter.) 

Flatter:  I came as soon as you called, Mad Platter.  Oh, I luuuuv what you’ve done with your (odd piece of sci-fi equipment).  You have such (complimentary adjective) taste!

(Enter Dratter in a rush, panting.) 

ALL:  You’re late, Mad Dratter!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Platter:  Never mind that now.  Take a look at this!  (Holds up torn hankie.)

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Chatter:  OMG, this is the worst possible catastrophe that has ever happened in the history of the entire universe!  I can’t imagine anything else as horrible!  It’s (extreme adjective)!  It’s (extreme adjective)!  It’s —

ALL:  SHUT UP!

Chatter:  I think I’m getting the (illness).  I’ll just lie down over here.  A bit of rest would do me good.

ALL:  Shut up shutting up!

Gnatter:  What craven monster would tear up a morris hankie?

Platter:  Waaaait a minute.  Hankies are scarves!  That means this must be the work of the known evil (profession) and despiser of morris, The Mad Cravatter!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Flatter:  Oh, come now.  (Same profession as above) she may be, but she’s a fashion genius!  The way she uses ties and scarves is awesome.  I’ve never seen anyone so stylin’.

Gnatter:  Flattery’s wasted on someone not even in the room!

Platter:  Enough!  We need a plan.

(Enter Mad Cravatter swathed with scarves.)

Cravatter:  Too late!  And yes, I am stylin’.  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  But I’m not the one ridding the world of morris this time!  Meet my boss – everyone’s favorite fiend, the one you love to (verb; something you like to do to others); the Master Malefactor, the Dastard with the Devil-May-Care ‘tude, give it up for arch-(synonym for villain), Vlaaaad the Autocratter!

(Enter Vlad with musical instrument.) 

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  So nice to be here, and thanks for that wonderful intro, Mad Cravatter.

Cravatter:  It was my villainous pleasure, Your Dastardlyness.

Vlad:  Remind me to give you a raise.

Cravatter:  Thank you, Your Evilness.

Gnatter:  Why, oh, why are you doing this?

Chatter:  It’s inconceivable that the world could live without morris dancing.  Think of the silent spring mornings at dawn.  Think of the outdoor fairs with no jingling bells.  Think of all the accordion makers going out of business.

Vlad:  Just what I had in mind.  Morris dance is overrated.  All bells and penny whistles; sound and fury, nothing more.

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  In just a few moments, my evil plan takes effect.  I will rule the world by the force of my Cosmic Cataclysmic Concertina, and then morris people the world over will be turned into … wait for it … (horrible profession)!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  No, no, don’t thank me.  It’s just my little contribution to world peace and (condition).

(Vlad plays a dissonant chord.  All react with hands over ears.) 

 Chatter:  You blackguard, you malefactor, you cad, you heel, you goon, you hooligan, you thug, you ruffian, you lowlife, you ne’er-do-well –

ALL:  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Flatter:  Those terms seem a little (mean adjective).  I think Vlad’s not so bad at heart.  And he’s cute too.  Instead we should call him a —

Cravatter:  Rogue.

Flatter:  Scalawag.

Cravatter:  Scamp.

Flatter:  Beast.

Cravatter:  Baddie.

Flatter:  Big buff baddie boy.

Cravatter:  I like the sound of that.

Platter:  What?  NO!!!  Get him, everyone!

(All the squad except Flatter go for Vlad while he plays a very popular morris tune in a weird minor key.  Squad slo-mo falls to the ground groaning.) 

Cravatter:  (to Vlad)  You so awesome.

Flatter:  (to Vlad)  I’m your biggest fan.

(All 3 walk off arm in arm.) 

Dratter:  DRAT!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Script Test Run

Adventures of the Mellifluous Architects Of Doom Squad

Starring:  (step forward when introduced)

Mad Platter:  fond of maps

Mad Chatter:  talks a lot

Mad Gnatter:  thinks she’s a superhero gnat

Mad Dratter:  her only word is “Drat!”

Mad Flatter:  major suck-up

Mad Cravatter:  minion

Vlad the Autocratter:  arch-nemesis

Episode  42

Scene:  headquarters of M.A.D. located in the basement

Time:  summer sunset

(Enter Platter with open map.)

Platter:  Another day, another pizza.

Voice offstage:  Incoming mail!

(An envelope slides across the floor to Mad Platter’s feet.) 

Platter:  What’s this?  (Open it.)  Oh no!  It’s a morris hankie torn to ribbons!  This calls for action!  I’d better text the squad.  (Punch phone buttons, vocalizing “beep boop”, etc.  Hang up.)

(Enter Chatter excited.) 

Chatter:  Mad Chatter reporting for duty, sir!  Sorry I’m late; I’ve been busy sharpening my skates but I came as soon as I received your text.  What’s the trouble?  Where is it?  Who’s in danger?  Where’s the team?  Shall I round them up?  Do these superhero pants make my butt look big?

Platter:  Calm down, Mad Chatter!

(Enter Gnatter.  She buzzes the ears of all who speak.) 

Gnatter:  Got your message, Mad Platter.  What’s up?

Chatter:  Thank goodness you’re here, Mad Gnatter!  It seems we have a crisis on our hands, and not just a crisis, but a mega-Strom Thurmond one at that!  We need everyone here ASAP!

Gnatter:  (interrupting)  Can it, Mad Chatter!

(Enter Flatter.) 

Flatter:  I came as soon as you called, Mad Platter.  Oh, I luuuuv what you’ve done with your Tardis!  You have such bulging taste!

(Enter Dratter in a rush, panting.) 

ALL:  You’re late, Mad Dratter!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Platter:  Never mind that now.  Take a look at this!  (Holds up torn hankie.)

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Chatter:  OMG, this is the worst possible catastrophe that has ever happened in the history of the entire universe!  I can’t imagine anything else as horrible!  It’s frognacious!  It’s audibly awful!  It’s —

ALL:  SHUT UP!

Chatter:  I think I’m getting the vapors.  I’ll just lie down over here.  A bit of rest would do me good.

ALL:  Shut up shutting up!

Gnatter:  What craven monster would tear up a morris hankie?

Platter:  Waaaait a minute.  Hankies are scarves!  That means this must be the work of the known evil hamster hypnotist and despiser of morris, The Mad Cravatter!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Flatter:  Oh, come now.  Hamster hypnotist she may be, but she’s a fashion genius!  The way she uses ties and scarves is awesome.  I’ve never seen anyone so stylin’.

Gnatter:  Flattery’s wasted on someone not even in the room!

Platter:  Enough!  We need a plan.

(Enter Mad Cravatter swathed with scarves.)

Cravatter:  Too late!  And yes, I am stylin’.  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  But I’m not the one ridding the world of morris this time!  Meet my boss – everyone’s favorite fiend, the one you love to suck the toes of; the Master Malefactor, the Dastard with the Devil-May-Care ‘tude, give it up for arch-miscreant, Vlaaaad the Autocratter!

(Enter Vlad with musical instrument.) 

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  So nice to be here, and thanks for that wonderful intro, Mad Cravatter.

Cravatter:  It was my villainous pleasure, Your Dastardlyness.

Vlad:  Remind me to give you a raise.

Cravatter:  Thank you, Your Evilness.

Gnatter:  Why, oh, why are you doing this?

Chatter:  It’s inconceivable that the world could live without morris dancing.  Think of the silent spring mornings at dawn.  Think of the outdoor fairs with no jingling bells.  Think of all the accordion makers going out of business.

Vlad:  Just what I had in mind.  Morris dance is overrated.  All bells and penny whistles; sound and fury, nothing more.

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  In just a few moments, my evil plan takes effect.  I will rule the world by the force of my Cosmic Cataclysmic Concertina, and then morris people the world over will be turned into … wait for it … MIMES!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Vlad:  No, no, don’t thank me.  It’s just my little contribution to world peace and cosmic sneezing.

(Vlad plays a dissonant chord.  All react with hands over ears.) 

Chatter:  You blackguard, you malefactor, you cad, you heel, you goon, you hooligan, you thug, you ruffian, you lowlife, you ne’er-do-well –

ALL:  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!

Dratter:  DRAT!

Flatter:  Those terms seem a little goopy.  I think Vlad’s not so bad at heart.  And he’s cute too.  Instead we should call him a —

Cravatter:  Rogue.

Flatter:  Scalawag.

Cravatter:  Scamp.

Flatter:  Beast.

Cravatter:  Baddie.

Flatter:  Big buff baddie boy.

Cravatter:  I like the sound of that.

Platter:  What?  NO!!!  Get him, everyone!

(All the squad except Flatter go for Vlad while he plays a very popular morris tune in a weird minor key.  Squad slo-mo falls to the ground groaning.) 

Cravatter:  (to Vlad)  You so awesome.

Flatter:  (to Vlad)  I’m your biggest fan.

(All 3 walk off arm in arm.) 

Dratter:  DRAT!

SIGN:  Gasp!!!

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